Am I Asexual? Signs and How to Know
One of the most common questions I hear as a queer therapist is: "Am I asexual, or is something wrong?"
Let me be clear: There is nothing wrong with you. Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, not a problem to fix.
Many people question whether they're "really" asexual. You might wonder if you're just late to develop sexual or romantic attraction, if past trauma affected your sexuality, or if you have low libido instead. When society treats sexual and romantic attraction as something that's necessary for a happy and healthy life, it's no wonder ace+ folks doubt themselves.
As an LGBTQ+ therapist, I've seen the relief that comes when someone realizes they're not broken. They're asexual. Let's explore what asexuality is, signs you might be ace, and how to navigate the questions that come with discovering this identity.
Key Indicators of Asexuality
While there's no definitive checklist, here are common signs that resonate with many ace+ people:
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The core of asexuality is experiencing little to no sexual attraction to people of any gender. This doesn't mean you can't recognize when someone is conventionally attractive. It means you don't feel pulled toward sex with them.
Some asexual people might experience sexual attraction occasionally or under specific circumstances (this is sometimes called gray-asexuality or demisexuality). Your asexuality is valid even if it's not absolute.
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You might hear friends talk about how badly they want to have sex with someone, and you just... don't get it. It's not that you're judging them, it genuinely doesn't compute for you. You might think "Sure, sex exists, but why is everyone so obsessed with it?"
You might hear friends talk about how badly they want to have sex with someone, and you just... don't get it. It's not that you're judging them, it genuinely doesn't compute for you. You might think "Sure, sex exists, but why is everyone so obsessed with it?"
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Being asexual doesn't mean you've never had sex. Many ace people have had sex for various reasons: to please a partner, because they were curious, or because they enjoy the physical sensations even without sexual attraction.
If you've had sex but felt like you were going through the motions or doing it for your partner rather than yourself, this might resonate.
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Have you faked sexual interest to fit in? Maybe you've forced yourself to talk about crushes or pretended to be interested in someone sexually when you really weren't. This performance can be exhausting.
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Some asexual people have a libido and masturbate, but don't feel desire for partnered sex. Others have no interest in sex at all. Both experiences are valid forms of asexuality.
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You might want romantic connection without the sexual component, or you might not want either (aromantic asexuality). Either way, navigating dating when others expect sex to be part of the package can feel isolating.
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When you read about asexuality online or hear other ace people's stories, you feel seen. That "oh, other people feel this way too?" moment of recognition is powerful.
Am I Asexual Quiz
If you're still exploring whether asexuality fits for you, the Asexuality Identification Scale (Yule, Brotto, & Gorzalka, 2015) can be a helpful tool. You can take the 12-item, 3-8 minute quiz here.
The quiz uses a cutoff score of 40. Scores higher than 40 suggest asexuality (ace), while scores lower than 40 suggest allosexuality (allo, meaning someone who does experience sexual attraction).
Keep in mind: No quiz can tell you definitively who you are. Quizzes are tools for self-reflection, not authorities on your identity. Only you can determine what label feels right.
How Do I Know I Am Asexual
The truth is, only you can know if you're asexual. Your sexuality is personal. You don't need a certain sexual history (or lack thereof) to be valid as asexual. You don't need to have tried sex to know you don't experience sexual attraction.
Listen to the part of you that brought you here. If reading about asexuality makes your heart light up with recognition, that matters. If you feel relief when you imagine identifying as ace, that's significant.
You're allowed to explore this identity. You're allowed to use the label ace even if you're still figuring things out. And you're allowed to change how you identify as you learn more about yourself.
Is it Asexuality or Something Else?
It's common to question whether you're asexual or if something else is going on. Let's look at some common questions that come up:
Am I Asexual or Do I Have Low Libido?
This is a frequent point of confusion. Here's the difference:
Libido (sex drive) is your body's physical desire for sexual release. Asexuality is about sexual attraction, whether you feel drawn to engage in sex with other people.
You can be asexual and have a high libido. You might masturbate regularly but have no interest in partnered sex. You can also be asexual with low or no libido. These are separate aspects of your sexuality.
If you're experiencing sudden changes in libido, it might be worth checking in with a doctor to rule out medical causes. But having consistently low libido doesn't invalidate your asexuality if that label feels right.
Is it Trauma or Am I Asexual?
This question deserves careful consideration. Sexual trauma can absolutely affect your relationship with sex and sexuality. It's also true that some people are asexual regardless of their trauma history.
Here's what I want you to know: Your asexuality is valid even if you're a trauma survivor. Trauma doesn't "make" you asexual any more than childhood sexual abuse "makes" you gay. Your identity is yours to claim.
That said, if you're a trauma survivor, working with a trauma-informed, LGBTQ+ specialized therapist can help you process your experiences and explore your sexuality in a safe space. They can help you distinguish between trauma responses and your authentic sexual orientation.
Regardless if your trauma history feels connected to you being asexual or not, you deserve trauma-informed support and asexual affirmation.
Am I Asexual? FAQs
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Yes, you can be asexual and have crushes! Many asexual people experience romantic attraction even without sexual attraction. This is where terms like "asexual" and "aromantic" help clarify different types of attraction.
You might be asexual and heteroromantic (romantically attracted to different genders), homoromantic (romantically attracted to the same gender), biromantic, panromantic, or aromantic (experiencing little to no romantic attraction).
Having a crush doesn't invalidate your asexuality. What matters is whether that crush includes sexual attraction or just romantic/aesthetic/platonic attraction.
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Absolutely. Many asexual people want romantic relationships without the sexual component. Some ace people are comfortable with their partner being allosexual and figure out together what their relationship looks like around sex.
Other ace people prefer to date other ace folks. And some asexual people are also aromantic and prefer platonic relationships. All of these are valid ways to be asexual.
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Sexuality can be fluid. Some people identify as asexual for their entire lives. Others might find their sexuality shifts. You're allowed to identify as asexual now even if that changes later, and you're allowed to identify as something else now even if you later realize you're ace.
What matters most is honoring where you are right now.
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Ace imposter syndrome is real. You might worry you're not ace enough because you've had sex, because you have a higher libido, or because you experience sexual attraction sometimes (demisexuality or gray-asexuality).
The asexual umbrella (often called ace+ or aspec) is broad and includes many experiences. You don't have to be sex-repulsed to be asexual. You don't need to have never experienced sexual attraction. If the label fits and feels affirming, you belong in the ace community.
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These terms all fall under the asexual umbrella:
Asexual typically means experiencing little to no sexual attraction.
Demisexual means only experiencing sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional connection with someone.
Gray-asexual (or gray-ace) means experiencing sexual attraction rarely, only under specific circumstances, or experiencing it but weakly.
These are all valid identities. You get to choose which label feels most authentic to you.
Where Can I Find Asexual Support?
Ace-Affirming Therapy
Working with a therapist who understands asexuality can be invaluable. Look for LGBTQ+ affirming therapists who specifically mention asexuality or aspec identities in their practice areas.
If you're in Minnesota, the MN LGBTQ+ Therapists' Network directory lets you filter for therapists who work with ace+ folks.
Ace Books and Resources
Fact sheet on asexuality from APA Division 44 (Society for the Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity).
The Invisible Orientation by Julie Sondra Decker is an excellent introduction to asexuality.
Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen explores asexuality through personal stories and cultural analysis.
Online communities on Reddit (r/asexuality, r/demisexuality) and Discord servers can help you connect with other ace folks.
Ace Community Organizations
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) provides resources and forums for ace people and their allies.
Look for local LGBTQ+ organizations that explicitly include ace+ folks. Not all LGBTQ+ spaces are ace-affirming, so finding communities that center asexual experiences matters.
Support for Coping with Family Reactions
If you're facing questions or negativity from family about your asexuality, remember you're not alone. Many of the same strategies that help with other LGBTQ+ identities apply here.
Worried about how your family would react to you being ace? Download my free Survival Guide for Coping with Conservative Family members.
Am I Asexual Final Thoughts
Discovering you're asexual can bring tremendous relief. After years of wondering "what's wrong?" you finally have language that fits. You realize nothing wrong, you're ace.
Your asexuality is valid regardless of your sexual history, trauma history, libido, or how "asexual enough" you feel. You deserve to be taken at your word about your own sexuality.
If claiming the label asexual feels affirming, empowering, or like coming home to yourself, listen to that. You don't have to prove your asexuality to anyone. You are the authority on your own experience.
Whether you're exploring your asexuality, newly out, or looking for a therapist who gets it, I'm here. As a queer therapist in Minneapolis, I provide LGBTQ+ affirming therapy for ace+ folks throughout Minnesota and 40+ Psypact States. I understand the unique experiences of navigating a world obsessed with sex.
You deserve a space where your asexuality is celebrated, not questioned. A space where you can explore your identity, work through ace imposter syndrome, or navigate relationships as an ace person.
Ready to talk? Grab a free consultation on my calendar. Let's connect about how therapy can support you in living authentically as your ace+ self.
Worried about how your conservative family would react to you being ace? Grab my free guide below:
Articles cited in this blog: Yule, M. A., Brotto, L. A., & Gorzalka, B. B. (2015). A validated measure of no sexual attraction: the Asexuality Identification Scale. Psychological assessment, 27(1), 148–160. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0038196
