How to Talk to Family Members About Their Homophobia (When You’re Ready)
As a LGBTQ+ therapist I often speak with clients about homophobic parents and family. Many people love being close with their family, but it’s hard to maintain that closeness when homophobic comments are made.
Often this leaves you wondering if you should talk to your family about their homophobia or just learn to cope with it on your own. You’re definitely not obligated to fix your family’s homophobia or teach them about LGBTQ+ issues. But, choosing to do so might improve your relationship with them.
At the very least talking with your family about their homophobia can improve your relationship with yourself. Seeing yourself validate your queerness and your needs in the relationship can be very empowering.
Here are five things to consider when it comes to talking with your family about their homophobia:
How to know when you’re ready for the conversation, or at least ready enough for it.
Planning what you want to say and how you want to say it.
Preparing for your family members’ potential reactions.
How to take care of yourself afterwards.
Change may be a long-term goal.
Let’s look at each of these in more detail…
Deciding If and When You’re Ready
Telling your family that their homophobia hurts you can feel incredibly vulnerable and you’ll probably feel nervous. That’s ok, you don’t have to wait ‘til you’re super confident and empowered to have the conversation. It doesn’t have to be a perfect conversation and you don’t have to be perfect going into it.
Here are some signs that you might be emotionally ready:
You are aware of the emotions their homophobia brings up in you.
You feel capable of managing any feelings of overwhelm that may come up during the conversation, instead of going into silence or defensiveness.
You also want to gauge your family members’ readiness for the conversation. Do they seem like they’d be open to it or not? Does the conversation feel worthwhile to you given their current openness or lack thereof?
It’s also ok if you’re never ready to talk with your family about it. Especially if talking with them would compromise your safety.
Like I mentioned above, it’s normal to feel nervous or emotionally vulnerable going into these conversations. But if you feel scared for your safety, that’s a clear sign that your family members are not ready for the conversation. Your safety needs to be prioritized in these situations.
Planning the Conversation
Think through some of the logistics such as the timing and location for the conversation. When are some upcoming chances for you to have an uninterrupted talk with your family members?
Pick 1-2 main points you want to get across in the conversation. For example: I wish you’d stand up more for LGBTQ+ rights, I wish you’d show more interest in getting to know my partner. This makes it easier for you to remember the important things you want to say. It also helps your parents hear what you’re saying if you can keep it to a few main points.
Focus on how the homophobic comments and behavior make you feel like they don’t understand you or support you. I recommend focusing on how you want to be close with them, you want to feel supported, and you want them to ‘get’ you. Let them know that the homophobic comments and behavior make it harder for you to be close to them and you want to be close with them.
This next piece of advice can be a hard one: You need to show up in the conversation as their family member (as their kid, their sibling, etc.), not as an educator or advocate.
Odds are you have already tried speaking to them from an educator/advocate role and it’s just resulted in them getting defensive, argumentative, or shutting down. You’re a great advocate, but continuing to take on this role with your family is not moving the conversation forward. Try speaking to them from the role of their family member who wants to be close with them. See if this approach helps them to have a different or more open response to you.
Anticipating Reactions (and How to Respond)
Given what you know of your family members, how do you anticipate they’ll react? How have they reacted in the past to you standing up for yourself?
It’s common for parents and family members to respond with defensiveness, denial, or avoidance when you call out their homophobia. Their reaction, whether it be defensiveness, denial, or avoidance, likely sets off a certain response in you that leaves the conversation unresolved.
Let’s look at a common example of how this plays out:
You tell your parent that something they did was homophobic or that you need more allyship from them.
They respond with defensiveness; downplaying their homophobia or trying to explain how what they did wasn’t really homophobic at all.
Their defensiveness makes you feel irritated and helpless in continuing the conversation, so you just drop it.
Both of you walk away from the conversation feeling annoyed and disconnected. Maybe you even avoid each other a bit afterwards or go on pretending that the conversation never happened.
Do you see how both of you are trapped in a dynamic that neither of you enjoy nor makes you feel closer?
While you can’t control whether or not your family member gets swept into this typical dynamic during hard conversations, you can control your side of it.
Try to notice your emotions when your family member becomes defensive. Take deep breathes and try stay in the conversation for a little longer. Acknowledge their emotions first, then repeat the need for them to change and your hope for this change to bring you all closer.
If you notice yourself becoming so overwhelmed that you’re not able to actively listen to them or you’re dissociating, it’s best to pause or exit the conversation and preserve you’re well-being.
Emotional Aftermath and Self-Care
Regardless of your family’s reaction, good or bad, it’s important to have ways to care for yourself afterwards. Do your best to keep in mind that their reaction doesn’t mean you don’t matter or that you’re unlovable.
Some ways to take care of yourself and stay connected with the positives of being LGBTQ+:
Practicing Mindfulness
When practicing mindfulness you can do a general mindfulness practice or you can look up queer-affirming or gender-affirming guided meditations online.
Talking with your LGBTQ+ affirming therapist
Make sure you’ve scheduled appointments for before and after the talk with your homo-bi-transphobic family. You can use the appointment prior to your visit to prepare for it. Then, you use your next appointment to debrief how the talk went.
Journaling
Journaling before, during, and after your visit can help you stay attuned to your inner experience and self-affirmation. Imagine you are 5 years in the future, what would you want your current self to know? What words of encouragement do you have? What advice would you give your current self?
Connecting with fellow LGBTQ+ people
Find your chosen family and hold on tight! Make sure you have ways to stay in touch with your chosen family when spending time with your family of origin. Maybe you want to organize a hangout with your chosen family for before or after your talk with your family of origin.
Using LGBTQ-specific supports
You can also reach out for support via LGBTQ-specific crisis lines. Trans Lifeline and the Trevor Project are two that I recommend to my LGBTQ+ clients.
Long-Term Change and Letting Go of Control
Odds are a single conversation with your family won’t result in lasting change. It may take multiple conversations over years. Dismantling your internalized homophobia took time, and it will take time for your family to dismantle their homophobia too.
Real change takes time—sometimes it never happens. That doesn’t mean your efforts to improve the relationship with your family isn’t worth pursuing. Your honesty with them might plant seeds, even if they don’t grow right away.
I work with my LGBTQ+ therapy clients to continue reflecting on how much patience and time they’re able to give homophobic family members. You deserve to make active choices on how you grow with your family members or decide to distance yourself from them.
Final Thoughts
You taking the chance to talk with family members about their homophobia is a gift. It’s something you do to potentially save the relationship with them and prevent estrangement. However, whether or not you ever get the opportunity to speak about it with them, you’re not wrong for protecting your own peace.
If you’re looking for a therapist who gets how confusing it is to love your family members even though they’re homophobic, reach out to me for a free consult. I am a bi/queer therapist in Minneapolis, MN. I provide online therapy for LGBTQ+ people located throughout Minnesota.
You can have a life where you feel supported in your queer identity. Let’s connect, I’d love to support you.
