4 Things I Did to Affirm My Bisexuality

When I first came out as bi I never felt queer enough. I felt like an imposter; waiting for others to tell me I’m making it up or that I don’t belong. I felt pressure to fit in with larger gay culture because I thought it would validate my queerness. I feared my bisexuality being judged and invalidated. 

I now see the importance of self-affirmation, especially in a society that erases and invalidates bi+ identities. Finding ways to affirm my bisexuality helped me find community, self-love, and pride with my sexuality.

This is why it’s so important to me as a bisexual therapist in Minneapolis to provide bi-affirming therapy for folks who want to feel more comfortable and accepting of their bisexuality.

Here are four personal practices that helped affirm my bisexuality. I hope they help you as well:

• Stopped trying to prove my queerness.

• Used bi-affirmative language.

• Focused on bi-affirming community.

• Let go of feeling like I had to defy stereotypes.

Stopped Trying to Prove My Queerness

As a bi person, there’ve been countless times I’ve felt pressure to prove my queerness. Bi erasure makes us feel like we aren’t as valid as our gay/lesbian peers or that we’re faking being bi. I’ve noticed that when I internalize this, it leads me to feel like I need to prove my queerness.

One time at a LGBTQ+ event when I shared that I’m bisexual, I was then asked, “But in the end, who do you really picture you’ll end up with, a man or a woman?” Boom, right in that moment I felt it. I felt the pressure to give the “right” answer in order to prove my queerness, in order to prove that I belonged at the queer event.

But giving them an answer they wanted to hear wasn’t going to make me feel good about myself. If I told them I pictured ending up with a woman, whether that was my honest answer or not, I was only playing into their games of needing to be validated by them.

Now, when it feels like someone else is trying to decide whether or not I’m queer enough, I refrain from having to prove myself or giving them my relationship resume. I understand that having people approve of my queerness only when it meets their definitions of ‘queer enough’ leaves me feeling conditionally accepted.

I can pause now and realize that I’d never want one of my loved ones to have to prove their queerness in order to be taken seriously. The same applies to myself.

It doesn’t matter how queer I look on any given day, how many same-gender experiences I’ve had, or how long I’ve been with my current partner. There’s no magic metric that suddenly makes me “queer enough.” There’s just me, learning how to believe what I know to be true in my heart.

It’s taken a lot of time but I can say confidently now that I’m less caught up in needing to meet other people’s expectations of queerness. For me it came down to realizing that letting others decide what makes me ‘queer enough’ only left me feeling even more like an imposter. There was never going to be an answer that made me feel worthy as a bi person. It was up to me to stop giving that power to other people.

Used Bi-Affirmative Language

Because of bi erasure and invisibility, it often falls on us as bi+ folks to name bisexuality or else it’s never brought up. People often assume I’m gay or straight, and it falls on me to share my bi+ label. Once I started saying “I’m bi” more often to myself, to my therapist, to family and friends, the more confident and comfortable I became with it.

There’s something about naming it that made it feel more real and helped me accept myself. The more I heard it out loud, the more I knew I wasn’t faking it. The more I said it, the more I could feel that being bi wasn’t shameful.

Using bi-affirmative language, such as confidently sharing my bi+ identity or just making a positive remark about bi+ people, also helped me connect with fellow bi+ people. Using bi-affirmative language helped me find my bi+ community. It gave them safety be visible too and for both of us to feel less alone.

Society already erases bisexuality a lot, I don’t have to further contribute to that erasure.

Focused on Bi-Affirming Community

A unique aspect of being bi+ is that we encounter ‘double discrimination.’ This refers to the biphobia we face from both straight/heterosexual people and lesbian/gay people.

The biphobia I’ve experienced from lesbian and gay folks hurts in a way that’s different than when it comes from a straight person. I expected lesbian and gay folks to understand what it’s like to be marginalized and thought they wouldn’t perpetuate further marginalization. But no one and no community is perfect. Unfortunately, biphobic lesbians and gay folks exist.

A few, brief examples of biphobia I’ve experienced from gay/lesbian folks:

-Saying they would never date a bi person because they can’t trust that the person is “really” queer.

-Asking me to prove my bisexuality and queerness by telling them how many same-gender sexual experiences I’ve had.

-Making statements about bisexuality being a “pit stop” to being gay.

-When I challenged a lesbian’s biphobic statements I was told “That’s just how lesbians are. You need to accept it.”

When I was first coming out as bi, I was so eager to have queer community that I often brushed these hurtful statements aside and just accepted it.

Over time I found lesbian and gay folks who didn't doubt or question my bisexuality. They affirmed me and took my bisexuality seriously. That in turn helped me more deeply affirm and validate myself.

I am forever thankful for the bi-affirming queer folks in my life. They helped me understand that I can and should hold out for bi-affirming community, instead of feeling like I need to settle for queer community that invalidates me.

Let Go of Feeling Like I Had to Defy Stereotypes

Many bisexual stereotypes and myths exist such as:

-Bisexuals are emotionally '“messy.”

-Bisexuals are greedy.

-Bisexuals are indecisive and can’t make up their minds.

-Bisexuals are promiscuous and can’t be monogamous.

In the beginning of coming out as bi I felt a lot of pressure to prove these stereotypes wrong. I felt in order to be valid, I needed to be the ‘perfect’ bisexual.

What I’ve come to learn instead, is that it’s very freeing to not be perfect. To embrace that sometimes I fit the stereotypes and sometimes I don’t. That doesn’t make me any less valid. It makes me real. The more I can reclaim power about what makes me valid and worthy, instead of giving that power to other people and their expectations of me, the better I feel.

The truth is: there’s no shame in being a ‘bad’ or ‘messy’ bi+ person, polyamorous bi+ person, or any of the other stereotypes thrown on us. We are valid and our bisexuality is valid regardless of how many stereotypes we fit.

Conclusion

This journey left me knowing that when coming into a new identity, affirmation and validation from others can mean a lot. I so badly wanted an online test or external person to confirm my bi identity. Even if there had been a way to externally validate my queerness, it's meant so much more to internally validate and affirm myself.

It's not a matter of if I am queer enough. I am queer PERIOD.

Imagine caring less what others think. Imagine doubting yourself less, because you know, deep in your bones, that YOU ARE VALID. Through therapy with me, I help bi+ folks heal from painful experiences, see your resilience, and celebrate what makes you uniquely you. 

If you’re looking for a space to explore your bisexual identity, or just want a bi-affirming therapist, I’m here. I’m a bisexual therapist in Minneapolis and I’d love to support you with affirming yourself.