Coping with Homophobic Family and Estrangement
Dealing with homophobic family members is always hard. Maybe you’re close with your family and generally enjoy spending time together. But then there are the moments when they say something homophobic without even realizing how it hurts you.
If your family’s homophobic statements stand out or hurt more than the used to, you’re not alone. In our current sociopolitical climate it’s become harder to ‘just avoid the topic’ of LGBTQ+ rights with family. More and more LGBTQ+ people are wrestling with what it’s like to love their family and realize you can’t put up with their homophobia anymore.
This leaves you in a complicated spot:
Do you end the relationship and become estranged from your family?
Do you keep pretending everything is fine?
Or do you try to save the relationship without abandoning yourself and your needs.
What it’s like to try and save the relationship
It’s emotionally draining to pretend everything is fine when it’s not. Every time your family says or does something homophobic you’re hit with reality. They say they love you, but they don’t really get you. They see you as someone who’s not like ‘those other, annoyingly sensitive, LGBTQ+ people.’
What they don’t see is how much their comments or silence on LGBTQ+ rights hurt you. You’re tired of being seen by them as ‘one of the good’ gays who never complains. You feel confused by the fact that sometimes you wish they’d become even more blatant with their homophobia, so that you’d finally know for certain the relationship can’t be saved.
Addressing your family’s homophobia and asking them for more support means you have to show up differently in the relationship:
You’ll learn how to have your own back and not abandon yourself.
You’ll free yourself from the pressure of being the “easy kid” who never causes tension.
You’ll more easily see the difference between their (emotional) stuff to fix vs your own.
3 tips for dealing with homophobic family.
Progress not perfection.
When you decide to address your parents’ homphobia, you’re not asking them to be perfect. Working to change the relationship with your parents means there will be missteps and imperfection (for both of you!). I hope you and your parents keep in mind that you’re not asking them to become the perfect LGBTQ+ ally, nor you the perfect child.
You’re asking them to be there for you, as their queer kid.
Healthy relationships aren’t perfect relationships. Healthy relationships are ones in which imperfection happens and is followed by reconnection. As you and your family fumble through addressing their homophobia, practice patience in the moments of imperfection and try to seek reconnection afterwards.
Show them how homophobia hurts you.
If you’ve been stuck pretending everything is fine when your mom says something homophobic, she might be left assuming she didn’t upset you. You have to become more vulnerable and open with your family in order for them to understand specifically what needs to change. Next time something homophobic is said try calmly and matter-of-factly responding with something like “Mom I love you, but that hurts. Let’s get back to [more neutral topic].”
Acknowledge moments of support and connection.
When you notice your parents trying or doing something that acknowledges your queerness or is supportive of your queerness, let yourself pause and cherish this moment. Really let that feeling of support sink in. This moment is happening, in part, because of your courage to change the relationship with your family.
Then let your family know you see their efforts. Let them know how this effort makes you feel supported and closer to them. This could be as simple as: Thank you dad for pausing and then using my spouse’s correct pronouns.
How do you know if it’s time to cut off or go no contact with parents?
It’s ok to distance yourself or end the relationship your homophobic family. If you aren’t looking to repair the relationship with your family, you can decrease the frequency or type of contact you have with them or limit the details they know about your life. You also have the choice to go no contact.
Here are some things to consider when trying to decide if you should become estranged or go no contact:
Your safety is more important than your family obligations. You deserve safety from family using their homophobia in abusive ways. You and your family cannot do the messy, emotionally hard work of improving the relationship without a baseline of safety between you.
What’s a realistic change vs. your ideal change in the relationship? Ideally your family can tap into their love for you and learn to love you fully. They’d become your biggest LGBTQ+ ally and advocate for LGBTQ+ rights as a whole.
Take a step back from this ideal and ask yourself, realistically, what kind of change do I think my family is capable of? What do I honestly think the best version of our relationship would be like? Am I content with that version, or is it still not gonna be enough for me to stay in the relationship?
It’s not permanent. You don’t have to decide right now if distancing from your family is a forever thing. You just need to clarify if it’s something you need for now.
If both you and your family are up for it, you can try again in the future. With time, you and your family may be more willing and able to improve the relationship. Your future self can decided if you want to reconnect and try again later.
Family Estrangement Psychological Effects
Grief
It’s ok to grieve your family not being who you need them to be. You’re not only grieving the things you loved about your family, you’re also grieving the potential of who you family could’ve been for you. In coping with this grief you can seek support from a therapist and look for ways to build family of choice.
Self-doubt
There might be times when you get in your head and doubt your decision. You question if it was ‘really that bad.’ I recommend my therapy clients write down some memories of their family’s homophobia that led to estrangement. This can be a helpful to look back on in moments of doubt and helps you build self-trust.
Relief
You might feel relief after deciding to become estranged from your family. You’re now free from the rollercoaster of getting your hopes up, only for your family to continue hurting you. It finally feels like you can exhale and move forward in your life.
Final thoughts
Whether you try to improve the relationship with your family or become estranged, the choice is yours to make.
You can try having a relationship with your family that doesn’t entail self-abandonment or losing your relationship with them: You can stay in relationship with them while being calm, honest, and setting boundaries. Let them see your queer self, don’t censor yourself for their comfort, and stop waiting for them to approve of you. It’s not easy, but it is an option.
You can take time to distance from your family or go no contact. You can increase your safety and well-being by making active choices about how much to engage with your family. It can be empowering to decide what kind of relationship you choose to have with them, instead of feeling obligated to have a relationship.
If you’re looking for a family estrangement therapist or someone to help you deal with your family’s homophobia, I’m here. I’m a LGBTQ+ therapist in Minneapolis and I’d love to support you in coping with homophobic family.
