Am I Bi? A Guide from a Bi Psychologist
What Does It Mean to Be Bisexual?
The bisexual movement in the 1970s through 1990s tended to define bisexuality as being attracted to both men and women. However, today we have more gender-inclusive definitions of bisexuality.
Bisexuality is now commonly defined as “attraction to people of more than one sex or gender; attraction to people of genders similar to our own and to people of genders different from our own; or attraction to people of multiple genders” (Eisner). Robyn Ochs, a bisexual activist, also provided a very similar definition when she stated:
I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted — romantically and/or sexually — to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.
To put it simply, bisexuality can be defined as having romantic or sexual attraction to two or more genders. This also means that several other identities labels, such as pansexual, polysexual, or queer, fit alongside the label of bisexual. These identities are typically described as falling under the '“bisexual umbrella.” We can use the term ‘bi+’ to acknowledge all these identities together (bi, pan, queer).
Am I bisexual?
As a bi therapist in Minneapolis, I often remind clients that sexuality, and the labels you use for it, are personal. They can also be fluid. There’s no right or wrong way to be bi+.
For instance, someone may identify broadly with the label bisexual, but more specifically refer to themselves as pansexual. You don’t have to choose just one label to describe yourself. Listen to what label or labels feel best for you and give yourself permission to use them.
Signs You Might Be Bisexual
While there isn’t an official ‘Am I bisexual quiz,’ here are some signs you might be bi+:
You’re passionate about LGBTQ+ rights and assume it’s because you’re a ‘super ally.’
You’ve been attracted to people the same gender as you, but then thought “well everybody has those kind of thoughts.”
When you’ve thought about the future, you’re uncertain if you’ll be in a straight relationship.
You’ve had a really close friendship with someone the same gender as you, that sometimes felt more than platonic.
You’ve had celebrity crushes on people the same gender as you and different genders than you.
You sometimes think you might be bi. Then you get worried that you’re just making it up or thinking you’re bi “for attention.”
When you think about someone acknowledging you as queer, bi, or pan, your heart lights up.
Keep in mind that this is not an exhaustive list. Everyone’s experience with sexuality is unique.
Your experience of bisexuality might include things that aren’t listed above. You might still be bisexual even if you don’t fit all of the signs named here. I encourage you to listen to the part of you that brought you to this blog.
Common Questions and Myths About Bisexuality
"Does being bisexual mean you're confused?"
Absolutely not. As a Minneapolis-based LGBTQ therapist, I often work with bi+ clients navigating self-doubt caused by biphobia.
Trying to figure out if you’re bi+ can be confusing. But no, being bisexual does not mean you’re confused.
Biphobia convinces us that we either have to be gay or straight. That we can only be genuinely attracted to one gender. This myth perpetuates the idea that bisexuals are confused and need to ‘pick a side.’
This myth of bisexuals being confused also treats bisexuality as something temporary or ‘just a phase.’ That once someone gains clarity and is ‘no longer confused’ they’ll stop identifying as bi.
Identifying as bi+ is valid. Your bisexuality deserves respect and affirmation.
"Can you be bisexual and still prefer one gender?"
Yes, bisexuality is extremely diverse. Very few people find themselves attracted to all genders equally (or ‘50/50’ as some say). Your bisexuality being valid does not hinge on you needing to be ‘50/50.’
Some bi+ folks will be attracted to multiple genders simultaneously. Others may find they prefer one gender more than other genders. Some may experience ‘bi-cycling;’ shifting periods in their life where the gender they prefer changes.
"What if I’m already married or in a long-term partnership with a straight person? Can I still come out as bi? What does it mean to be bi in a relationship?"
Yes, of course you can still come out as bi. Just because your bisexuality/queerness seems less visible in your relationship doesn’t mean you have to be invisible.
If it’s important for you to come out and (re)claim your queerness, you deserve to do so. You deserve a partner who affirms you. Someone who celebrates the fact that you’re getting to know a new, exciting part of yourself.
Being bisexual does not hinge on who you’re in a relationship with. You don’t need a particular sexual or relationship history in order to be valid as bisexual. You’re still bisexual even if you’ve never had a queer relationship.
How to Explore Your Bisexuality
Exploring your sexuality can be exciting and vulnerable. Here are some ideas from a bi-affirming therapist:
Self-reflection and journal about what being bi/queer means to you.
When you do feel like your most authentic self?
What scares you about coming out as bi?
What lights you up when thinking about being bi+?
Read bi-affirming books such as Bi: Notes for a bisexual revolution by Shiri Eisner.
Connect with bi+ community.
Online:
Bi+ Resources in Minneapolis-St. Paul:
Minnesota Gay and Bi Fathers Support Group
Meet with a bi therapist.
The Importance of Having a Bi-Affirming Therapist
A lot of online therapist directories allow you to filter for LGBTQ+ therapists or LGBTQ-affirming therapists. But just because someone is LGBTQ-affirming doesn’t mean they specifically know how to support bi+ people. They might be affirming, but unaware of how biphobia and queer imposter syndrome impact you as a newly out bi+ person. That’s why it helps to specifically have a bi-affirming therapist.
Here are four signs of a bi-affirming therapist:
The therapist understands there are different life experiences for bi+ folks compared to gay/lesbian folks.
The therapist validates your experiences of binegativity and bi erasure.
The therapist does not assume the gender of current or past significant others.
The therapist helps you challenge internalized biphobia.
As a LGBTQ+ psychologist in Minneapolis, I bring both clinical experience and lived experience as a bi/queer woman. Whether you’re questioning your identity, coming out, or just want to feel more confident in who you are, I’m here to support you.
Embrace Your Journey
Coming out as bi+ is a personal journey and you deserve to go at your own pace. No one’s experience is the same, and that’s the beauty of being queer.
If nothing else, I hope you hear this: You are valid. Your bisexuality is valid. Try to quiet that imposter voice telling you that you’re ‘faking it.’ Please be gentle with yourself as you grow into your truth.
If you’re currently looking for a bi therapist in Minneapolis or greater Minnesota, check out more about me and my style of therapy. I specialize in working with bi+ people who want to better manage their anxiety, heal from trauma, or further affirm their identities.
Let’s talk about how bi-affirming therapy in Minneapolis can support you. Whether you’re out, questioning, or somewhere in between — you’re welcome here.
You ready? Grab a free consultation on my calendar!
